Today's Thoughts

As soon as I sense that a Case of the Blues is about to settle in, I tend to panic but yet…I welcome it. In fact, I embrace the opportunity for there’s a sense of comfort or more so a familiarity, it’s like returning home. As anyone who is in tuned to their own mental health, I can recognize the signs, I know what’s coming, I know what helps and I know what makes it worse…yet, I go for the worse. I always think just for a couple of days. For some reason, I find it refreshing, which in my mind leads to rejuvenation…but I suppose that’s when it really does only last a few days.

I have always enjoyed some good alone time. Some people re-energize by being around other people, some with Red Bull and others, like myself, by spending some quality me time. However, I do enjoy being around people but (perhaps deep down I am a bit narcissistic) because there are few people that I truly enjoy being with more than myself.

In spending time alone, really alone, there is a great relief that comes over my entire body, mind and soul – only then, am I truly relaxed. It’s just me. It’s okay if I don’t have anything to say…it’s okay if I don’t want to do anything …it’s okay to be me.

Prior to joining the Peace Corps, I equated my extended periods of alone time with depression and sadness, but now, although there may be a fine hint of moroseness that only isolation can bring, I find them to be periods of re-growth. By simply being a foreigner, there is an inevitable deep isolation. Although you may be surrounded by people, some who have even befriended you, you feel isolated. Not only is there a language barrier, but there’s a cultural barrier, a hobbies barrier, a behavior barrier and even a humor barrier. Everything is different. No matter how many barriers can be broken there is still a missing link. For some reason, you just can’t find the connection that you can make with someone from home. Although, the fact that everything is different is why I’m here and have loved my time here and maybe even flourished, it makes for a lot of hard work. In fact, it is exhausting. So, while I often feel isolated, it is a real treat to even further isolate myself. In the safety of my own Bouse or on the endless hiking trails of Bucovina, I can always understand what I’m saying, I can laugh at my jokes, I can work with efficiency, I can do the familiar. Not only does it rest my mind from incoming “bombs” but I can find myself again…who I really am.

I never realized how important that “home” connection was or that it even existed until I would stay at site for a long period of time and then go elsewhere to be with other volunteers. I simply light up and consciously feel myself become more animated and talkative. It was a sensation I had never experienced before. During, I remember feeling wonderful but didn’t put 2 and 2 together, and after separating, I would immediately return to this isolated individual…and that’s when I would recognize what this phenomenon was. So despite my need for personal isolation, I have now recognized not only my need but also my great appreciation for a cultural connection and social inclusion.