"The Painted Veil"

by W. Somerset Maugham

“Do you never wish to go home again, ma soeur?” asked Kitty.

“Oh, no. It would be too hard to come back. I love to be here and I am never so happy as when I am among the orphans. They’re so good, they’re so grateful. But it is all very well to be a nun, still one has a mother and one cannot forget that one drank the milk of her breasts.”

It’s a bit uncanny how one can often relate to novels, particularly at the exact moment they are being read. I read this passage above at the airport in Germany shortly after parting with mom, Katie and baby Georgia. This for some reason was one of the hardest goodbyes. When I read this (obviously not from the standpoint of a nun but one of having a similar experience) I knew for certain that I had made the right decision of not going home during my 27 months of service because indeed, it would have been “too hard to come back.” As much as I love my life here, seeing my kin in the flesh made me second guess why I chose to be away from them.

“I should have thought that sometimes it was hard never to see again those that are dear to you and the scenes amid which you were brought up. […] All the same, when one thinks of those to whom one is so dear, it must be difficult not to ask oneself if one was right in cutting oneself off from them.”

I never wanted to be one of those people who say “oh, I haven’t seen my sister in years” but here I am…and I made that choice. In 2 years my older sister went through an entire pregnancy and the baby suddenly became 9 months old, none of which I was a part. She has morphed into a mother and I got to finally observe this new person when we reunited. Yet…much to my relief it was as if no time had passed at all, for we simply carried on as we did before I left 2 years ago. However, this new creature immediately found her way into my heart and soul. I fell in love with Baby G and I couldn’t bear to part after 4 short days. And once again, I found myself questioning my values and asking myself if it was worth it. Is it worth missing her key developmental years? Is it worth it to be away from those you hold so dear? What if I just didn’t go back?

Then I realized that I cannot not finish something – particularly something I’ve wanted to do for a long time, something I’ve put so much of my own convictions into, something that took an abundant amount of time for others to develop a trust in me and even more so, something I genuinely enjoy. So…what’s 6 more months when I’ve already done 21? I think the plot thickens because in my heart I have the feeling it won’t only be 6 more months. As of now, I’d like to stay abroad in order to continue my education. This environment simply creates an atmosphere that I’m addicted to…an eye opening newness that leads to endless observations and learning. I agree, very ironic for my personality type but I refuse to let my fears and anxiety prevent me from experiencing a life that I’m passionate about. So there you have it, a bit of a catch 22. Do you surround yourself by those you love or do you immerse yourself into something you love to do? Perhaps Waddington was correct, “Some of us look for the Way in Opium and some in God, some of us in whiskey and some in love. It is all the same Way and it leads nowhither.”