After discussing my soon to be bitter sweet return home; I realized there was a deeper meaning to these anxieties that have been building up over the past few days. There is a great possibility that I won’t get into grad school and I’ll have to figure out a plan b, which I suppose would be the job route. Then I start the panic mode of no job, no money, and no car. Then I start remembering all the pesky things I don’t have to worry about here, like health insurance, car insurance, etc. I won’t lie, in terms of those things, life here has been easy; simple but easy. Peace Corps takes good care of us; it probably will be the least hassle free life I lead. Then I remember the fast pace life I left two years ago. There are aspects and activities that I miss but definitely not all the little stressors that come with it. Here I have time to take care of myself and lead a healthy life. I have the time to cook meals, exercise, and not to mention, breathe. Then I get thinking of how confident and content I have become….but only as an extremely independent individual. Will I be able to continue that when I return home? Sure I won’t be isolated anymore but will I resort to the bad habits that the fast pace life drives you to? I don’t want to get sucked back in… I’m afraid to return to how I was.
I’m anxious I won’t get into school because I’m not ready for the job route but I’m also anxious to get accepted. Of course going back to school puts you into a whole different mode but as I dig deeper into my soul…I realize the real reason is that it brings me back even further to a time I wish to never relive. Most people will tell you college was the best years of their lives….sure I had some good times but honestly, those were the worst years of my life and I really don’t care to rehash any of those days. I’m afraid to return to that mental and physical state….a constant state of falling…a state of desperation…a state of wanting out.
So all these feelings of the past are resurfacing…and I’m afraid to take even one step back, including back onto the plane, back over the pond and back to “real life.”
9 comments:
Betsy,
Just remember we are all here to help you whenever you need it. Or just to listen.
Love you,
Auntie Jenni
aw, b...don't get stressed! sounds like a transfer might be a better option. may i suggest china? miss you, te pup!
Bets,
Your life there has GIVEN you what you need to come back home. You will be Fine! You have too many people here that love you and need you. It's not a step back, but many steps forward. WE love you!!
MOm and Dad
Birdie, we don't go back, we only go forward. I can only begin to understand the fear, but even you said you have become so much more confident and comfortable in who you are. It's not just you, many others see it too. It's fantastic. You are you, and nothing can take that away from you. Even the world around you. You always have the control. I love you so very much and I am always here for you.
Kates
Bets - I have all the faith in you in the world!
It might seem overwhelming b/c you've been gone SO long but you of all people will adjust to whatever situation you find yourself in.
THe problems you faced while in college are just that... something that happened in the past... and that's all. You've grown so much since then & have figured so much out about yourself since then - Look to whatever the future brings you, as you've viewed everything you've done in the past 2 years... as an adventure that you can't WAIT to experience!
Thank you! I love you all and can't wait to come home! Sorry E, I won't be joining you in China - but maybe for a visit!
Bets, Any grad school or job would be damn lucky to have you!!!! Best of luck!
You have much to give, either in grad school or in a job. Whatever you choose to do (you do have control over this option!), it will be the path for now and lead to interesting and more thought-provoking experiences along the way. Life -- gotta live it!
-- Rebecca
Betsy,
You are a strong and amazing person with wonderful things ahead of you. Please don't fret over the past but take all the great things you have experienced into the future. It is sure to be a bright one! I love you and can't wait to hear about your many adventures to come!
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