A Ray of Light

A few weeks ago I helped some friends move into a new bloc apartment. The other people helping were some of the most welcoming and happiest people that I have met in Romania. One in particular won me over and became my new best friend…a 3 year old name Amelia. Between carrying in loads of whatever, I played an array of games, including piața and hide-n-seek (she never did quite understand why I couldn’t fit in the armoire.) Since then I’ve only had one other brief encounter with my new BF, as we passed in the streets, and I haven’t had much reason to be chipper…but that’s changed and she’s done it once again.

During my tutoring session yesterday, my tutor’s wife came home and asked if my life has drastically improved since meeting Amelia. I had to sit and think for a moment because the past little while hasn’t been that particularly grand. Seeing my efforts to think, Lori offered some help… “Because Amelia has been praying for you every single day. If she forgets to say your name at a meal, she’ll drop to her knees as soon as she remembers ‘and Betsy too!’” I was brought back to life. I hope I never forget the small individual moments that make life worth waking up to every morning.

Let's Talk About Sex

Today brought many smiles. We finally implemented the last big project with which I’ll be assisting; a 10 week sexual education initiative at the school. What makes this project unique is that sex ed. does not exist in the Romanian school system…period, end of sentence. At this particular school, the majority of the students come from low socioeconomic and unstable homes that lack positive role models; and they tend to get trapped in the perpetual cycle of becoming extremely young parents. We had four groups of children, starting at 5^th grade and up to 11^th. And it’s true…kids say the darnedest things! “Doamna, învățăm cum să facem sex? (Missus, are we learning how to have sex?)” It was fun to hear what they had to say and see their giddiness in talking openly with an adult about the topic – I often had to bite my cheek to keep from giggling. The other aspect that left me in amazement was the classroom management and skill of the trainer that came today…it was like a breath of fresh air!

Taking One Step Back

After discussing my soon to be bitter sweet return home; I realized there was a deeper meaning to these anxieties that have been building up over the past few days. There is a great possibility that I won’t get into grad school and I’ll have to figure out a plan b, which I suppose would be the job route. Then I start the panic mode of no job, no money, and no car. Then I start remembering all the pesky things I don’t have to worry about here, like health insurance, car insurance, etc. I won’t lie, in terms of those things, life here has been easy; simple but easy. Peace Corps takes good care of us; it probably will be the least hassle free life I lead. Then I remember the fast pace life I left two years ago. There are aspects and activities that I miss but definitely not all the little stressors that come with it. Here I have time to take care of myself and lead a healthy life. I have the time to cook meals, exercise, and not to mention, breathe. Then I get thinking of how confident and content I have become….but only as an extremely independent individual. Will I be able to continue that when I return home? Sure I won’t be isolated anymore but will I resort to the bad habits that the fast pace life drives you to? I don’t want to get sucked back in… I’m afraid to return to how I was.

I’m anxious I won’t get into school because I’m not ready for the job route but I’m also anxious to get accepted. Of course going back to school puts you into a whole different mode but as I dig deeper into my soul…I realize the real reason is that it brings me back even further to a time I wish to never relive. Most people will tell you college was the best years of their lives….sure I had some good times but honestly, those were the worst years of my life and I really don’t care to rehash any of those days. I’m afraid to return to that mental and physical state….a constant state of falling…a state of desperation…a state of wanting out.

So all these feelings of the past are resurfacing…and I’m afraid to take even one step back, including back onto the plane, back over the pond and back to “real life.”